The Betrayal Rollercoaster
by PaperPioneer
Summary: Processing HG's betrayals is an emotional rollercoaster for Myka. Claudia is caught in the middle.


Myka could hear Claudia's cell phone ringing as she walked towards the kitchen. Claudia's squeal of "HG" stopped her approach. She stood against the wall, closed her eyes, and took a second to calm herself. She would not cry at the mere mention of HG's name. After Claudia's greeting and customary "How are you? What have you been doing?" she heard Claudia's voice drop, the excitement immediately gone.

"I don't know, HG. It may not be a good idea...I want you back, really, but I don't think you should."

Myka instantly knew that response was because of her. Claudia adored HG. She would never tell her not to come back unless it was to protect someone she loved, someone like Myka.

"Yes. She's...you should stay away from her."

Oh. Well of course HG would guess the reason.

"She hasn't been the same. You can't just apologize and smile your way out of it this time." Myka noticed the way Claudia's voice faltered, making it obvious that she was upset with HG.

"Give me the phone." Pete's voice startled Myka. She didn't know he was in the room. It was unlike him to stay quiet for so long and she could only assume that was because of HG. His original distrust of HG had shifted to undisguised anger after Boone.

"HG, you need to stay away." It was a firm, non-negotiable tone that Pete rarely used. A second later Pete snapped "okay bye" and the room became silent. Myka could imagine Pete handing Claudia the phone, Claudia's head hanging down, and Pete pulling her into a hug. Myka quietly walked back to her room so she could cry alone.

Over three weeks passed without Claudia or Pete mentioning the conversation to Myka. After Boone, they had developed a habit of being aggressively happy when speaking to Myka. Perhaps they believed their over exaggerated positivity would rub off on her. It annoyed her greatly, but she appreciated their efforts. She decided if they could pretend everything was normal she could as well. Pushing the phone call out of her mind was a small step toward achieving that goal.

Four weeks after the call she finally accepted Pete's invitation to play board games with him and the others. Playing a few games, watching Pete's victory dance, and hugging everyone before bed made her feel normal for a few minutes. She enjoyed the time together and welcomed the break from her HG thoughts. The love she felt for this group of people and their devotion to her happiness briefly overwhelmed her.

She went to the kitchen for a drink, told Pete to stay away from her Twizzlers, and made her way upstairs to prepare for bed. Passing Claudia's room she heard the young girl say "No HG." Myka told herself to keep walking. Claudia's conversation was not her business. She should respect Claudia's privacy, but she just couldn't do it. Eavesdropping was the only connection to HG she had. The desire to hear HG's voice rose, but she pushed it away. She knew how the woman spoke as well as she knew herself. She could hear the "darling" in that British drawl, picture the corner of her mouth turning up in a cocky smile. Any progress toward not thinking of HG had immediately vanished.

"She pretends. She thinks we can't tell...Her smiles are fake...I miss you..." HG's response elicited a laugh from Claudia, a sudden switch from the subdued tone she had been using. Myka's own sadness stabbed her in the stomach. She missed HG making her laugh. She missed HG's smile and the pride in her eyes when she watched Myka laugh. The sadness was quickly replaced by guilt. Claudia shouldn't have to hide her conversations to protect Myka. She shouldn't have to avoid seeing a woman she admired because Myka's heart was broken. The realization that Myka was forcing her unhappiness onto Claudia hurt more than the sadness. She shouldn't put Claudia in this position.

"I know," Claudia sighed, "I wish you could fix this...She cries when she thinks we're not around. She hardly spoke to us for a while. I catch her staring into space all the time...Coming back isn't enough...She has nightmares. I hear her screaming about the gun...Yeah, Yellowstone."

Myka told herself to stop listening. She needed to walk away. How did Claudia know about the dreams? Why was Claudia telling HG? HG had no right to know. The anger swept over Myka, replacing the guilt and sadness. She welcomed the feeling. It was true she dreamed about the gun in her face, about HG's pinched mouth and cruel eyes as she welded a staff with the desire to end the world. She had nightmares about the way HG grabbed her arm to prevent her from taking the staff. It was so fast, so angry, for a second Myka feared HG would hurt her.

That's what bothered her the most, the fear. She wasn't sure how to replace the fear she had then with the HG she knew now. The fear of physical harm and the fear of another betrayal outweighed the smile she was missing just moments earlier. She desperately wanted to trust HG, but how could she? Myka embraced the anger. It was the only emotion that didn't make her heart ache.

The anger encouraged Myka to walk away. As she took the first step she heard Claudia speak again, "She misses you." Myka stayed in place, the anger ebbing. "I know...I think she does too...She wouldn't be in so much pain if she didn't love you."

Myka wasn't able to hold the tears back. Did HG just admit to loving her? She rushed back to her room as the sobs escaped. Claudia was right, she did love HG.

It was easy to hate HG when she believed their relationship was simply HG manipulating her to accomplish her villainous plans. The knowledge that HG may truly love her clouded the hatred. She wanted to hate her for the betrayals, the gun, the fear, the tears in Egypt that she had foolishly fell for, Claudia's pain, for the pain in Pete's eyes when he looked at her. She wanted to hate HG for her own pain. She also wanted to allow herself to love HG. The HG that read books with her, told her stories about London and Christina, made her laugh and blush, tinkered with Claudia in the Warehouse, sacrificed her life for all of them. She wanted that HG, the endearing genius, not the evil genius. She didn't know how to replace the fear with the love.

Hiding in her room was not going to provide any answers. She blew her nose, wiped her eyes, and walked back to Claudia's room. Panic flitted across Claudia's face. Myka ignored the look, took the phone, and tentatively said "Helena."

"Myka." HG replied instantly, drawing the two syllables out in disbelief. Myka's heart squeezed in her chest.

"Please come back." She choked as she spoke. Afraid she wouldn't be able to stop the tears, she thrust the phone back at the still wide-eyed Claudia and turned to leave. Claudia grabbed her hand, spoke a hurried goodbye into the phone, and dropped it on the bed. She pulled Myka into her arms, holding her until the tears subsided.

"I do love her." Myka sobbed into Claudia's neck.

"I know. I know." Claudia rubbed her hair, "She's coming back. Everything will work out. And if she hurts you again Pete will bronze her himself."

Myka laughed, the first genuine laugh since Boone. Claudia, Pete, Leena, Steve, and even Artie, spent months showing her that she was protected, loved, and accepted. She was finally willing to allow herself to believe it. She wanted her real self back, not the fake Myka she had been so exhaustively displaying. She also knew that Pete really would bronze HG if he had too.


End file.
